On my nightstand... it's overloaded

When people post lists or pictures of the books they love or are reading at the moment, I always feel inspired... my fingers type in the url for my favorite online book store and really it all happens so fast, my brain doesn't really understand the chain of events until the confirmation email lands in my inbox. I love books. I see my partner's eyes glaze over every time another brown parcel is stuffed into the mailbox, "Do  you really read all of them, I never see you finish one"... he dares to share. Really I feel he shouldn't have any say, as he might be the last person on the planet who still buys 20 cd's a month.

Anyway, here is what I have my nose buried in right now. Of course due to work I buy a lot of book about meditation, inner work, women and story work. But at times it just becomes too much and I have to mix it up and read other kinds of literature.

So as inspiration, and clearly I don't only have 1 book going at once, this is what's on my nightstand at the moment...

Books I love...

I placed Karl right in the middle, as I am sure he would appreciate it that company...

The perfect, imperfect poem

Maybe we just misunderstand what it says - I'm-perfect... :)

All I want to do today is share a poem about the icky and sticky subject of imperfection.  It is such a lovely poem and I feel it resonating with  A LOT in my life. Do you?

IMPERFECTION

I am falling in love with my imperfections The way I never get the sink really clean, forget to check my oil, lose my car in parking lots, miss appointments I have written down, am just a little late.

I am learning to love the small bumps on my face the big bump of my nose, my hairless scalp, chipped nail polish, toes that overlap.

Learning to love the open-ended  mystery of not knowing why

I am learning to fail to make lists, use my time wisely, read the books I should.

Instead I practice inconsistency, irrationality, forgetfulness.

Probably I should hang my clothes neatly in the closet all the shirts together, then the pants, send Christmas cards, or better yet a letter telling of my perfect family.

But I’d rather waste time listening to the rain, or lying underneath my cat learning to purr.

I used to fill every moment with something I could cross off later.

Perfect was the laundry done and folded all my papers graded the whole truth and nothing but

Now the empty mind is what I seek the formless shape the strange  off center sometimes fictional me.

Elizabeth Carlson

Hey fatso... you are looking good

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Well I guess this a more iffy subject for me. So I will dive into it a little gently.

The foundation of my work is that you belong here exactly as you are. There is no perfect ideal to strive for. You have an enormous amount of wisdom in you and maybe it takes slowing down to listen to that. I wish that this could be the way we all step into our lives. This is not to say that we can't shift, unfold, evolve. I am exploring the starting point and the tendency to feel wrong, to feel that we only deserve a place when we fit and mold ourselves into a certain standard - however we define what that looks like.

I know that for me not owning that statement has been exhausting. In motherhood I read books, looked at women who wizzed through the challenging parts and I felt like a constant failure. The art of comparison once again left me feeling less worthy. The foundation of being wrong or less than, isn't a nice place to be and very very seldom leads to a life with happiness and ease.

I will be digging deeper into that statement in further posts... for now a story of how I was challenged recently.

I was out for drinks with my two sisters. We had a great time and we decided to end the good times with a burger. Now it is no secret that I have put on weight after the 2 pregnancies and what not, but burger it was - YOLO or something.

In the cue some guys felt that we had cut in line, and looked at me and said that I probably shouldn't be in there anyway considering my weight. Well tears galore and I felt shitty. Reduced to an unworthy lump of Blubber (did you every read Judy Blume's book? It's awesome... anyway).

Fastforward 2 weeks and my man and I are away for the weekend for a music festival. As I am coming out of the toilet area a woman stops me. She is a scout for a model agency and thinks I would be an awesome model for the normal size/curve department... huh...

So which "truth" do I go with? A third - my own? How I see myself? How I feel about myself? Or do I let either of their perspectives rule and dictate wether I feel worthy just as I am? Do I wait till I have xx weight to go out again or do I pout my lips and work it like a supermodel? The "you belong here, exactly as you are" reminds me that none of the above is my truth. It is their eyes looking at me. What matters is how I look at me. And this has been such an awesome reminder.

This is what we can work on - how you see you. And knowing that you belong here, you already are. <3

What is Self-compassion?

Great question!

Some days I feels very unclear and I am judging myself a lot. Other days it feels very clear, and I do not beat myself up.

I believe in exploring, rather than giving answers (to some questions anyway) and I want you to feel into what self-compassion means and feels to you.

When you read the word self-compassion what comes up for you?

But, because it can be helpful to have an wise woman's word I would like to offer Kristin Neff’s thoughts on Self-Compassion. I am truly inspired by her and her work and can highly recommend her book. 

She writes that self-compassion consists of 3 elements: Self-Kindness, Common Humanity and Mindfulness. I feel they interweave, but that the first step is awareness. This brings us to know, and to the only moment we can move forward from.

Practice for this coming week

First step is really to become aware. Checking in and getting intimate with what is. An inner weather report if you will. So I'd like to introduce the short check-in.

Whenever you sit in the car, leave the house, go to the restroom or remember, do the following:

• Close your eyes and take 3 deep breaths
• Connect to whatever is going on right now, thoughts, kids screaming, lists and to do’s etc. As best you can without judging or hurrying to change it, just noticing.
• Sense the body, feet, buttocks, back, hands, head
• Not changing anything just noticing.
• When you feel ready open your eyes and continue your day

Do this as many times a day as you feel called to. What do you notice when you check in? Write a few words down in your journal or share in the comments below.

With love

Carina

Mondays...

I just sold my company Mindful Ground. This means I can dedicate my full energy to the work that means so much to me - supporting mothers and being a mom. This also means a more consistent presence here on the blog - I am so excited. I have decided to dedicate Mondays to reflections and practices. Each Monday I will be sharing one or the other on the blog. For me it sets the stage for the week to come and even if I only ever touch on the theme that Monday it still has an flows through me throughout my day and sometimes the entire week.

I tend to get lost in all the offers of amazing courses out there. I sign up only to (once again) realize that I am not superwoman, I do not have 10 days a week, I do not have 8 arms or that much energy past 9pm (really it is probably more like 7pm... but who's checking). I am a mom of two kids and that means less time to me and at times also a shorter attention span.

Knowing that and respecting it, all reflections and practices offered here will be short, sweet and doable.

Having studied and worked with meditation for years, I found that after I became a mom the intense and longer practices wouldn't fit into my life to the same extent. For some they feel that the quality of their practice is poorer. This isn't necessarily true. In the work I do I want there to be that understanding - what ever offered it has to be able to integrate into life with kids. All of this to unfold more and more over the coming weeks and months.

During the week I will blog when inspired, but I hope you check in on Mondays, the next many posts are ready to be shared.

A short reflection... 

How could you take a little time to yourself this coming week? It doesn't have to be a lot. A 10 min. break, a walk, a cup of tea, a few yoga poses, closing your eyes and feeling the air against your skin. How does it feel to consciously choose to prioritize YOU?

(Don't beat yourself up if you don't create space this week, allow this reflection or practice to unfold when the time is right).

See you next Monday

With love Carina