Joining the rampage #1 (Copy)

So week two hit the AIM2011 group. And I’ve been beating around the bush with listing what I’m grateful for. I don’t why, but it’s not that easy. Along the way I keep sizing things up, “this isn’t great enough to go in the list”, “who cares about that”, and so on. A great exercise in stopping, taking a breath, and just writing the damn list. Because I am grateful for a ton of things and sometimes, because I think too much, I end up not saying, writing or speaking of what I cherish, but mostly just what I don’t cherish so much - that’s putting it nicely. So here we go:

#1. Little Lilli ♥

The little girl who came into my life in April 2009. She is a strong little girl with a soft side that is scared of everything. I hope she grows out of it, I would I hate for her to be as scared as I am. I have spent most of my time feeling overwhelmed and not being the mother I wanted to be. The mother guilt had a hold og me big time. And I was so affraid of her leaving me again, and that it took over. The last few months the love has grown, and I am so amazed. I love her to bits and she teaches me so much. So thank you Lilli for chosing me.

Oh... and with her comes her dad - I am very grateful for him as well. But he was out last night, so he doesn’t get a full post today. : )

#2. Arcade Fire - The Suburbs I instantly feel in love when I hear that song. I don’t know why, but it just gives me the best feeling in the world. They are one of those band that I want to see before I go. And they are Canadian - which helps when I feel home sick.

And I waited 3 years for it. So another great things that happened in 2010.

#3. My grandfather - Wilfred Lyall.

He is not here anymore, but I feel grateful that he once was. He died too early, and I didn’t get a real chance to thank him. He was like a father to me, and showed me so much love. I miss him every day, and would love for him to have seen the way things turned out. A great man, with a great heart, the world truely lost a beautiful soul.

#4. The women

...that have attended my courses during the past year. I can’t thank them enough. They amaze me. The things they share, do for themselves, and give back to me, I wouldn’t want to live without. So thank you ladies, and can’t wait to meet the ones who will be joining this year.

#5. Ok then...

Stig my partner. He is a great person who never takes life too seriously, and is a constant reminder for me not to do the same. I love him very much, and I'm very grateful for the challenge of being in that relationship. I say challenge, because who am I kidding... it’s not always easy being a “control person” in a relationship with a man who isn’t having any of it. He makes me smile, and laugh everyday.

So I did it. The first real list of gratitude. I think it went alright?

Hoarding the invisible... (Copy)

The AIM2011 task this week is to declutter.

It’s funny because there is a series on TV at the moment about extreme hoarders. I am trying to cut back on TV but somethings just fascinate me too much. It is very easy for me to shake my head, and ask how can anyone live like that. I’d go crazy in that mess.

Last night an elder women was close to being evicted if she did not clean her house. Her children were helping her and she was getting very angry. She could not allow her family to throw away her things. As she said “they are never here with me, but my stuff is with me all the time”. The autopilot started to judge her. "Why doesn’t she just call them, be more pleasent so they would want to come over, get her act together" etc. As they started to clear her house, and she was panicking and trying to hang on to every little piece of paper, I felt it sting a bit.

I might not have piles of “junk” everywhere, but I for sure have things that I cling on to. Things I feel represent me, things that give me a sense of self. I can relate to the feeling of that self leaving me if I ever threw those things in the garbage. I have books that are there because I feel that I stay bright in their presence, birthday cards so I still feel loved, clumps of clay I don’t know what is anymore - to remind me that I was a child once, t-shirts I would never wear, from festivals I danced around at when I was a fun person, clothes I can’t fit anymore, from a time when I was a better looking version of me... and I can go on.

It is in boxes, stuffed away in the attic, and maybe they will only come out again the day I am no longer here, and someone has to clear it out. So is my sense of self stuck in a box in the attic?

I have no intention of getting rid of everything I own, but I will definitely have a look at the reasons for why I hang on to certain stuff. Can I feel in touch with my childhood, feel loved, feel smart, be a fun person without a storageroom to define me? Maybe we all hoard to a certain extent. It must be harder to be present when we can’t let go of the past in fear of losing ourselves. Maybe the memories and feel of self, don’t get the place they deserve because it has become an external thing.

Since everything is forever changing, I have the intention of letting go of the fear, that the proces of change will lose me if I don’t hang on. And try to trust mySELF.

- The picture is painted by a man that I will never forget - Norman Knott. The day I met him I will always hold dear and it was a big part of my childhood. The feeling his presence gave me is in my heart, painting or no painting.

So long 2010 - with a big juicy smile... (Copy)

My very very first ever blog post. I have been very certain of the fact that I never wanted one. For many reasons, but I guess I never liked being too exposed. With that being said, more likely it is the fear of putting myself out there for other people to judge. But what the hell they  do it anyway, and if for no one else, this blog is my way of writing down some thoughts. So to those of you willing to read some of  it - I thank you. Going through the last year I was amazed of how much has happened. I found myself wondering hard if I during the last year, ever stopped a minute to be grateful... Well I am now and there are a lot of things to add to the list.

Thanks to twitter I found Sarah Prout who launched the eCourse AIM2011. Just being asked to write down what I am grateful for, I have felt so much lighter and happy. So for that I am grateful. Lilli (my daughter) is growing fast and I feel so lucky having her in my life. From being scared to be a parent and feeling lost in the strange mix of total anxiety of losing her and being extremely tired - I have fallen in love with the little girl. And it keeps growing. Along with her I have a wonderful man in my life. He has supported me in starting my own business in 2010, and takes the my nagging with patience... Bless him. We have no money and live crowded but we are happy together - what more can you ask for? Well a new bed maybe...

I have a ton of the best siblings and mother you could ask for and I'm very proud of every one of them. I cannot imagine not being a part of a big family with all the arguments, hugs and laughs that go with it. They have done great things in 2010, and I am thrilled that they all have talents and the courage to follow their dreams.

I have my business which I love. It's weird to call it my business as it is my way of life. It is what I truely love to do and I take my own pratice very seriously. I work with wonderful people who come to my courses to learn meditation and mindfulness. I am humbled by the people who chose to devote 8 weeks to do inner work and do something amazing for themselves. They are the stars and if there wasn't people with that kind of courage - I couldn't do what I do. The business has nothing to do with me, it's all about them. So thank you ladies.

So with the hope of having more juicy kisses and hugs from the little one I welcome 2011 with a lot of love and gratitude.

A big thanks to Nikole for spending the time to help me with the blog!