An ode to blubber; this body is not your battleground

I wrote this post for a site back in 2014. Yet we’re still talking about this. Still asking for the right to be body. To feel safe. To have body, not give you the right to traumatize. There is a long way to go. I have conversations with my three daughters about this a lot. I am sharing this again, as the blog I wrote it for no longer exists. My feelings and experience with being a body still does.

Denmark, 2014

Do you strive for perfection or feel shitty when you look in the mirror?Are you pretty sure that Self-Love is a short drive from Minsk? These are my thoughts on why being called fat in public once again pushed me to change how I related to myself - for the better.  

My weight… just writing that sparked so many thoughts that I have a hard time keeping up. Feeling forced to relate to how I look, what I weigh and most importantly what am doing about it has swung into my life again and again. 

Some have said I am easy on the eye, others say that there is so much of me I am hard to miss. This is a recent story about a personal-space invasion by opinions and the ripple effect of them. 

The foundation of my work is that you belong here exactly as you are. I believe that there is no perfect ideal to strive for. Body image, intellect, beauty, coolness. It has been the work I needed to do with myself to feel free in my life, and it is how I support women to feel content, happy and strong as they are. 

I know that for me not owning that statement has been exhausting. In motherhood I read books, looked at women who wizzed through the challenging parts smiling and looking great, and I felt like a constant failure. Going to meeting with oatmeal in my hair, or saying that i JUST gave birth to excuse the blubber on my belly. 

The art of comparison once again left me feeling less worthy. The foundation of being wrong or less than, isn’t a nice place to be and very very seldom leads to a life with happiness and ease. The self-compassion practice and showing up just as I am changed my life. 

Does this mean that that foundation is never shaken? No. But it takes a bit more to get the earth quaking, and it happened a few weeks ago. 

A little story I want to share.

I was out for drinks with my two sisters. We had a great time and we decided to end the good times with a burger. Now it is no secret that I have put on weight after the 2 pregnancies and what not, but burger it was – YOLO or something.

In the cue some guys felt that we had cut in line, and looked at me and said that I probably shouldn’t be in there anyway considering my weight. Well tears galore and I felt shitty. Reduced to an unworthy lump of Blubber (did you every read Judy Blume’s book? It’s awesome… anyway).

The sense that everyone in there were looking at me deciding whether they agreed or not felt humiliating. I had to get out of there. Shaken by how someone could effect how I felt about myself stayed with me for days. 

Fast forward 2 weeks and my man and I are away for the weekend at a music festival. As I am coming out of the toilet area a woman stops me. She is a scout for a model agency and thinks I would be an awesome model for the normal size/curve department… huh…

All of the sudden someone’s opinion of me steered me in another direction. 

So which “truth” do I go with? A third – my own? How I see myself? How I feel about myself? Or do I let either of their perspectives rule and dictate wether I feel worthy just as I am? Do I wait till I have xx weight to go out again or do I pout my lips and work it like a supermodel? The “you belong here, exactly as you are” reminds me that none of the above is my truth. It is their eyes looking at me. What matters is how I look at me. And this has been such an awesome reminder.

BMI and weight has nothing to do with it. I feel it is relevant for most women. I believe it begins with how you feel. Does the need to shift come from “I am a problem that needs to be solved” or does it come from a deep knowing of worth and compassion and from there asking “So what do I want”. 

This is what we can work on – how you see you. And knowing that you belong here, because hey you already are. <3

Bleeding sustainably...

Most women are beginning to notice the rise in women owning their blood. Some find it over the top, gross, something that should continue to be private and toned down. 

Others, me included, find the power in knowing how my cycle influences me throughout the month. And more so how my way of living influences my cycle. It is our feedback system if we dare to listen. It tells a lot. And whether you feel like claiming it publicly or not, I can only recommend beginning to explore your cycle. 

This is not only the bleeding time, but the full cycle from pre ovulation all the way around to the days you bleed. 

Tuning into emotions, mood, physical sensation, energy. In this post I share a little more on tracking your cycle. Take a read…

For this post I wanted to bring attention to the less-waste approaches I’ve made when it comes to my cycle. 

It is very simple actually, I stopped buying pads, tampons (only used those when I was a teen) and have invested in 6 fabric pads and a luna cup. That is all I use. 

It is easy. I have a little wet bag for used pads. Wash them with towels etc. No smell or a bloody mess… haha. 

But the thing that brings me true joy is what it saves me money wise and Earth wise. 

The Numbers

Meet Jaluna Red ;) . She’s 50 and just had her last period. She had her first when she was 12. She has 2 children and with both kids her cycle began again 10 months after giving birth. 

The past 2 years her cycle has been a little irregular.  So taking all of this into calculation, she has had around 408 bleeds in her life time. 

Jaluna used to bleed 5 days on average and used 4-5 pads or tampons a day. (You can do your own calculation. I have 3 girls so I will experience fewer.) 

Jaluna has used a whopping 8160 pads/tampons in those years!! That’s a lot going down the drain or in the trash! 

She used a common brand, non organic etc. 1 pad cost her around 20cents.* So in her life time she spends roughly 1600USD on pads/tampons alone.

It’s a lot really. 

My calculation
So let’s say I have to buy three cups in my bleeding years. Each cup lasts around 10years = 17USD per cup.

And then 3x 6 cloth pads (those who can make them themselves can save even more) = 25USD for a 6pack.

All together it has cost me roughly 126USD with the zero waste version. 

A lot of math, but worth doing! 

So there are a few motivation pointers to look at when it comes to choosing what you use. And more and more are coming up: underwear was recently launched for example, so you don’t need any of the options above, sponges and more. 

Glancing at these numbers it gives me the sense of the scale of our choices. 

Little me may not make a big difference… we think. But let’s say that I get 4 friends to join me. We’ve already saved the world from 32640 pads/tampons. Each of those 4 inspires 4 more etc. and all of the sudden we are making an impact. 

Numbers will vary no doubt. Cost will vary no doubt. But the amount of trash we generate continues to rise. Where it goes. What it means to our Earth will also be discussed, for me my consumption and consumer habits is in my power and worth looking at 1 million *little me* actions is no longer insignificant! 

I hope that this post will inspire you to do your research and what is out there, and maybe find a way to bring the number down of what we throw away or flush out into our water. 

With Love
Cx

For inspiration on zero waste action in your business check out this post... 

*I ran it through Google and these are prices on average in Europe. See links below. It will vary from country to country. But the amount of pads being thrown away is the same, regardless of the price. 

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01AFMJMPQ/ref=sspa_dk_detail_2?pd_rd_i=B01AFMJMPQ&pd_rd_wg=pX95O&pd_rd_r=MQ44JXCKV8B8PQZHRFZ7&pd_rd_w=0Looe&th=1

https://menstrualcupreviews.net/go/MeLuna-Main

First steps to my Zero Waste Business.

I have talked a bit about zero waste and how much I love this movement that is happening around the Globe. My interview with Bea Johnson kicked it off for me. 

Some say climate change is bull. Others claim that ditching wrapping won’t change anything anyway. Others preach that plastic helps the fight against food waste. And as with everything else, people have opinions and we don’t all agree. 

I do believe that I make the changes I can with what I have, this doesn’t mean you do the same as me. Maybe just feel inspired to take a look at the steps that resonate with you. 

Reducing my waste and CO2 trail makes so much sense. 

In the beginning of 2017 I declared this to be a buy-nothing-new. I haven’t - well that’s not true; I bought a bra. But I need mine specially made so that was a ‘had to’ to save my back. And twice something dropped into my basket at the store that was a thing, not food, and I wasn’t really thinking. So in 5+ months, 3 new things have been purchased - I say that is doing pretty good. 

An area where I have had to really make some choices and consider how to go about it, is with my business. How do I reduce waste in this area? 

Because clearly I HAD to have business cards, handouts, manuals, cd’s, flyers, prints for my bookkeeping, postcards, magnets, notes and the list is long. 

Especially business cards and flyers. Thinking about what I do with the ones I receive, it just no longer made sense to have my own. They go in the bin… 

When reminding myself of the enormous amount - of all of the above - I have thrown away, it seemed there was room for improvement. 

So I no longer order or print: 

• Business cards

• Flyers

• Postcards

• Magnets

• Hand-outs

• Manuals

• Cd’s (yeah who does that anyway... in our house we still dedicate a wall to this ancient thang)

That’s a huge amount of paper no longer coming in through my business. Not to mention money saved. I offer PDF’s. People can print them if they want or just write the points that matter in their journal etc. 

When I do print, I use the back side of my daughter’s school print outs (there’s enough to keep a few businesses running). My mom is a teacher and they print out piles of stuff for their students and often too many copies - she brings them home for me and I use those. 

Is there room to do more - sure. For a giant first step, I am pleased. I am implementing other things such as using recycled packaging to send out the herb products - that’s for another post. 

I know some will roll their eyes and think Jesus, a few flyers never hurt anyone. 

Well let’s play with some numbers: 

In Denmark alone there are around 125.000 solo businesses (2012) and that number is higher today. 

Let’s say each one of them buys 300 business cards and 500 flyers (what I did the first few years) that = 10.0000000 bits of paper are ending up in the garbage at some point and just for a one-off glance. Now bring that to a Global scale… phew, I wouldn't know how to calculate that. 

And this is not even counting the huge corporations. 

It no longer feels irrelevant to me. 

Fun fact - the business didn’t die out from the lack of exposure… Facebook, Instagram, talking to real people, fucking up and having wins have kept the wheels turning. 

Is this right for you. Maybe not, maybe flyers are the only way you feel you can get the word out. But are there other ways you can reduce your waste in your business? 

Would love to hear your ideas and thoughts. <3

Day 9: What Mindfulness teaches me...

As a part of this challenge, and feeling challenged with it. I began to clean and clear out my computer. I found an essay I was asked to do for my 2nd mindfulness teacher training 3 years ago. 

It was just after my grandmother passed and I wasn't in the academia mindset. But I re-read what I wrote and thought it still fits like a glove. 

This is my response to the question Mark and Martin (our teachers) asked. 

What does it mean to teach with integrity and depth - for me. 

1st assignment Mindfulness TT. 

I had to go back and do this over. The past months have been filled with death and family issues that have taken me back to old stories patterns and anger. The past few days intensifying that and I felt like telling mindfulness to go fuck itself. Which is essential for me in how I can teach. 

I take it as a sign that as I sit a write this, the mist is so thick outside that I can’t see the house across the street. I feel a little clouded and this is my exploration of that. This is a step deeper into practice, teaching and how I define that for myself. 1500 words may fall short or turn out to be way too many... we will see.      

I am sorry for the delay.

Taking the seat or showing up these days is painful. It hurts. Rumination and self-pitty battle with wanting things to be different. Taking the seat is like forcing myself to re-live the grief from old stories and bliss seems to await in crappy TV shows and stuffing my face. And I have asked myself many times why would I want to put myself through that again. 

As it spins into a cycle, a dog chasing it’s own tale, what is my practice? In the light of this essay and training - is it mindfulness? No. And then again what is mindfulness. 

Even after years with a (mindfulness) practice I still don’t fully know what it is. It is a concept, an idea, a practice that is so many things that a one word label seems off. It creates resistance because I can’t grasp it, I don’t know it. 

So to get past being stuck on the word, what it has represented, the value or lack of, I have had to find a way of describing the meaning that feels aligned with me.

Showing up makes sense to me. Showing up means meeting my experience. Showing up means I am not trying to be the Dalai Lama, I am not aiming for enlightenment, it gives me breathing room and space for awareness. I don’t feel obliged to look like I have been touched by an angel or rebel against all of the above. The sense of showing up, opens me up allows me to be exactly as I am. I feel free’er. 

I have always been good at adapting language, dialects, styles. When setting down this route, that talent was very visible when it came to teaching. Following a teacher and finding my own style in that process didn’t come natural - to me. The more I taught, the more I was evaluated and the further I feel I have come from the integrity and depth of my own practice. Resistance builded and calling myself a teacher felt like a load of Bull Shit. I was an actor not a teacher. 

To begin to explore what teaching is I feel I should look at how I define a teacher - a master of mindfulness. The alter ego. The pruity of awareness and insight. Shoulder shrug - how the hell do you “live up to that”? A different approach is to look at what I feel a teacher is to me.

The last evening at Sharpham brought that forward. Not in your talks or meditations, but when we danced and you both joined. A teacher for me is someone who shows up, let’s go and moves. I am truly inspired by stories. By people who can let loose in a group. When I can feel their presence with me body and not my mind. That is what teaches me. 

If I could write out a wish list of what would to bring forward as a teacher it would be trust, letting go of wanting to fix, taking the seat, tapping into my own experience and letting go of what I want to be in that chair. 

And this is where I am stuck. I am in tears by my computer and I feel I am pushing myself too hard. My mind is with my grandmother and if I was to take any of my own advice that I would give to a student it would be to listen to that. Taking care of what is important and present is more important than trying to be good. 

I would allow myself to go home, crawl under the covers and feel through the sense of loss. Being held by my partner and drinking tea. I would allow myself to let go of shoulds and tasks and show up for what is here within me. I would move my body and connect to what body is in that moment. 

Because regardless of any agenda I as a teacher might have had, sensing what is here is essential. 

And yet I am not, I am trying to be a good student and get shit done. 

I am turning in these words with no clear direction no fine moral or punch-line. But for the past 2 days this is what depth and integrity meant to me.